Sunday, January 20, 2013

I feel myself changing

I can feel myself evolving, changing... questioning... discovering. Coming into my own, but it's happening so slowly. The hand of cards I was deal this last year seemed to have been a big part of all of this "coming into my own". This has all felt as though it came at once. As if the questions and the self-discovery and internal push and pull of my early twenties is catching up. I wish I could go back to the way I felt when I was coming into this space every day. It was easy. I knew my purpose. I felt comfortable in my skin. This thing, self-discovery, finding yourself, whatever you want to call it, has made me want to pull inward. I feel out of order. I feel uncomfortable. Most of the time, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I crave observance. I crave quiet, anonymous living. I would be happy for the rest of my life just to live in solitude with only my family. I want to bury myself in a little cocoon and only come out when I've become exactly who I want to be. Down to the very smallest spot on my silly butterfly wings. Will it ever happen?  
With as much push and pull as I've felt on the inside, equally matched are my feelings of happiness in this life I've created for myself with my husband. And I like to focus on that. He is my peace and my calm. However, all to often I find myself coming up empty handed. All I can feel is boiling change underneath the surface. What do you do when that happens? What words are there to say when you don't feel resolved? It's a job for a writer, and a writer I am not. But passing it by doesn't seem fair to this time in my life. If there's documentation of anything, shouldn't it be a documentary of discovery? Of personal evaluation?
I want 2013 to feel different. But I am scared of the change, of the future. The questions and emotional stretching that come scare me like no other. But I need the challenge. I like how I feel when I have one of those "ah ha!" moments, when I listen to myself. I like who I am starting to become even though moving through it can feel like a real mess at times. I am in the thick of it. But maybe 2013 will be my year... the year for being open and authentic... for getting more comfortable in the uncomfortable. 

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